paulho tell us about how are people when they enter your life "if someone isn't what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own." that s why i act like i don't want to be close to you! because i may not be able to stand it!
I love you po
To a few people,
Can't believe I'm leaving you all temporarily.
I love you senpi and I wish I could have seen you guys more. Avery scares me but he was really nice to me back then and I feel you've taken on his role. I still respect him for everything and someday I'll show my appreciation. I can't wait to be at your guys' wedding. Also our last hug made me want to cry. Sometimes it really is hard to remember how much you mean to me and how much I matter to you. Good luck in taiwan!!
Maybe someone else will do.
Anyways, I hope you don’t hate me when you find this. I shouldn’t be writing it but I just wanted to vent somewhere.
My thoughts are just ??? as always. They’re gonna be for a long time. I’ve relied on you for so long to keep myself going and wanting to work towards things. There were times where I thought fuck, it’s time to start doing this for myself, but I didn’t like it as much cause I don’t like myself.
I know we talked about it, but Jesus fuck. Everything got flipped around so quick. Day 1 it was back to kissy lovey stuff and it was very nice. We were genuinely happy to talk to each other. Day 18-19 ? And we’re breaking up again. I realize why we did this time and why it’s good that we’re breaking up for good. I just listened to the vocaroo finally and it made me feel a certain way. It’s been slightly crushing my heart. Not as bad as it’s been before, but just knowing it’s over is it’s own kind of sad. I get why everything happened this way and it sucks. We dragged this along for 3 years, holy shit. I won’t say I regret it, but there’s a big, edgy tear in my heart cause of it. No doubt.
I shouldn’t have done what I did, but rofl I got rid of someone who actually liked me LOL though honestly making it work with that person would have been worse. Still, I shoved them aside and that was SO fucked up. Feels bad, but I’ve had a shitty 2 weeks in return so it’s okay. Karma.
I had really great times and my heart felt really good. I wanna find someone when I get my shit together who will give me as much joy as you did. Maybe even more eyes emoji eyes emoji who mf knows. Anyways, I know you like someone else and I’m happy for you. I hope it goes well with you, cause I’ve always known that our personalities didn’t match. I was too much of a bitch, and I felt like I’d had such bad history that you’d never look at me with respect. It’s okay though.
Things are looking up for me now, for once. Didn’t think I’d bounce back after you left, but I’m cool now. I wanna get back to 170 and do really well at my new job. I’m so excited to start.
P L A S M A B O Y S
Okay, well I guess this is it. I hope you don’t see this for a while cause it’s only been like 2 days I think. Idk I can’t keep track of time. Don’t hate me too much.
Feeling like this guy today. Just wanted to vent to you here cause this is 2 much.
Idk what I’m doing wrong. I’ve been in this position before but I don’t recall it being this bad. I grew up a long time ago, and believe me I still have A WAYS to go, but I think I’m at the point where I have passable judgement. I’m just feeling like an idiot rn.
Sometimes I have this fire in me and it drives me to do things, but my mental problems just cloud over it and it’s so hard to get through. I literally don’t know what to do. Though I hate to be the person that makes their shitty problems the reasons to not get shit done. It’s so weak.
I’d like to think that it isn’t even my lifestyle that’s bringing me down, cause I’ve had way worse. I know there are people way worse off. I am grateful for what I have.
I just feel like the longer this goes, the less stable I am. Last year this would have been an ideal setup, if anything. I would have loved this. Idk where the time goes.
I wanna seek help, but then I can’t accomplish the plans I’ve been throwing around. I really want to follow through. Just don’t want to be dq’d for some dumb problems with my head.
For a while I started to think that this is a phase I’d grow out of, but it hasn’t happened yet. My thoughts are so shitty and my patience is nonexistent. I used to be able to deal with shitty people at work with ease. I’m still good at it, but I know I’m weaker cause I feel shitty afterwards now. It throws me off.
I’m about to complete my first month !! I’ve been told that I’m doing really well and I’m fast. It makes me feel good, I guess. Like I matter as a part of the team. Though I don’t really agree. I am really disoriented at many points during the day. I just want to be here long enough to where I can transfer. I hate California. I hate it here so much and I wanna get my shit straight and never move back here.
Feels like I can’t catch a break lately. I know mindset is the key to everything. I just can’t help but have shitty times. I was looking forward to today cause I haven’t done shit lately and we had planned a week or so ago that we’d all go to Disney today!! Unfortunately that didn’t last long and we didn’t even make it onto the shuttle. Great. Anyways, I think I’m done. I’m so in my head idek what I’m saying.
I’m looking forward to us hanging out again. We hang out once a year usually, but it’s not looking too certain this year. I’ll see you when you get time off from training and school. I wonder where we’ll go. It’s gonna be somewhere awesome.
All these years later, you're still a stupid cunt. I knew you were dumb, but with every year, it seems to get worse with you.
At least some years back, you still had something resembling hobbies of your own which weren't focused on making sure your lover, pardon, "fiance", manages to live his life. Fuck, he's a year older than me, still lives at his mom's place, fucked up his second attempt at studying at university out of his own idiocy and got barred from trying again in the future, and he can't even fucking get himself some medicine from the pharmacy without you driving over there and doing it for him? Wanna wipe his ass too, huh? He's never going to put a baby in your oven, you realize that by now, right? He's been holding you off for years on everything. His supposed studies meant he wouldn't work towards moving in together, no offspring, no marriage, not even standing up for you in front of his dear mommy or retarded family.
You're gonna work yourself to the bone for nothing, not even a thank you. Nah, while you're working on making Christmas presents for him, he's off with his buddies making plans for a weekend and leaving on a Friday you have to work, going to a fucking strip club with them despite your disapproval, and partying while you're at home having to vent to me on the phone because you have literally no other friends of your own.
You're dumb as bricks. I don't know why I'm even still bothering talking to you on occasion or picking up the phone. Nostalgia maybe? Morbid curiosity about how you got screwed over by work and family again this time? Fucking hell, I should just block your number and delete you off my contacts. You don't even have any creativity to your mind, no abstract thinking skills or even desire. Nothing. You're boring as sin, stupid and won't be getting married or move out before the 20s anyway. Fuck, you could've moved into your own place years ago but despite getting fucking pay raises, you have expectations that pierce the heavens because hurr maybe in a few years you'd want to move into a larger place anyway for a kid and partner. Fuck, you'd be lucky to get pregnant in the first place at this rate. Your ovaries will have died of old age by the time he's ready to commit himself, and even that proposal over the holidays was just pro forma because he couldn't wiggle out of it anymore without looking like even more of an ass. He made a promise he doesn't intend to keep there, at least not in the near future.
And it isn't like it's the first time you're being led on like this. Heck, almost TEN FUCKING YEARS AGO I had to knock you on your head just so you realized that you were being fucked with by dipshits, cheated on pretty much and treated like garbage. But oh no, that abusive relationship shit is soooo romantic, right? Twilight and 50 Shades really were harmful to your mental development. Fucking hell, you're stupid.
Have fun waiting. Don't call me. Piss off.
You will never read this and I know that, but I will miss you. You left me at the worst time possible over something really stupid. No matter what anyone says there's no way you can "just know" we won't work if you didn't even try or put the effort into it. You have a problem giving up when things get hard, just like the trying to get an internship in the United States and trying to get an internship in Germany. You say the distance doesn't matter and you're wrong about that in my opinion.
I purposely pushed you away at the end, I'm not going to lie I meant half of what I said. At the time pushing you away was easier for me because you're right I do still want you by my side and yes I would have done anything to make that happen because that's what love is. In the end I guess it didn't really affect you, you instantly changed and deleted every sign of us. If you don't get why that hurts you honestly don't deserve to be in any sort of committed relationship.
Lastly if you somehow want to be in a relationship you need to talk to your partner more. You have an annoying habit of not telling your partner when something is wrong, so it gets worse. You also need to stop making promises since you break all of them... I hope you really find some sort of happiness someday, but if your idea of giving someone a chance is 2 weeks the odds are against you.
From someone who cares, Shiya
Will you ever get better at anything in your life? Can you still improve your quality in anything? You're still not satisfied with everything you have now, have you? I hope not.
From your friend that has accompanied you for a year, Your Own Stagnant Feeling.