gibe monies plz!

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  1. monsters

    #572372013-06-04 09:05:47AnaMiaLaura-chan said:

    Poor little princess, fell out her crib, poor little thing, she was so sick.

    Mommy and daddy, didn't really care, eaten by maggots, just not fair.

    личинки могут съесть все, что прогнило в вашей душе.(may the maggots eat all that is rotten in your soul).

    Imagine the sound of insects crawling everywhere, imagine them everywhere on your body. Under your skin, in your hair. You can't brush them off, you can't move. "Why? WHY?!?!" screaming all she could Alysa would never be heard. Deep in the ground, she was buried.

    Left to rot like royalty should.

    Hey, yeah I don't know if ^^^^ this story will do any good. Any tips for it or should I do something entirely different? Let me hear !

  2. #572392013-06-04 09:13:31hellstorm901 said:

    As an British monarchist I don't particularly like the line "Left to rot like royalty should." Our country mostly have a love of our Queen and Royal Family. Although with the inclusion of a Russian line I'm assuming the story is directed at the old Russian monarchy.

    Also you should be careful how many threads you start in a short time. Don't get me wrong it's nice your being active but give it a bit and see how your thread goes before making another.

  3. #572402013-06-04 09:18:14AnaMiaLaura-chan said:

    Yeah It was Russia, I got inspired with the Romanov Family. Should I make it more obvious that it's during the Russian revolution? And thank you for the tip about to much threads. I'm not very patience but I'll work on it. Thank you very much :D

  4. #572422013-06-04 09:28:33Kirn said:

    личинки могут съесть все, что прогнило в вашей душе.(may the maggots eat all that is rotten in your soul).

    That is incorrect. The translation makes it sound like a form of well-wishing, while in Russian it's just a statement. "Maggots can eat everything, that is rotten in your soul" would be more correct.

    Also. Do take notice that the forum is a different thing from your personal blog. You don't even explain properly - is it something you work on? It is something you found? In any case, the story did nothing for me.

  5. #572432013-06-04 09:32:03AnaMiaLaura-chan said:

    Well I have a lot of short stories that I never finished, mostly because no one really showed any interest or just said it was bad without explaining why. I do want to make a real story out of this and maybe draw it out eventually, since the story I was writing was pretty bad. And about the russian line, it is actually supposed to sound a bit nice in a freaky way. How can I make it more appealing and keep it interesting and make it really scary?