Dear, Dearest: Not only have you ruined self-respect, but you have also ruined countless relationships- intimate or not- and you make me live in fear. I know you're angry and I know you're sad. That's why I can never bring myself to confront you. You have my sympathy and it pisses me off. I'm angry that I have to rely on you. I'm angry that you're the only option. I'm angry I didn't get what others did. I'm angry at everything you ever did to me and I'm angry that I'm always always always forgiving you. I'm angry that you never forgive me... I'm sad that you don't. I'm jealous of others who get help. I'm torturing myself for you. So you don't get into trouble. So you can stay with who you love. So you can live as normal a life you can get. It's all for you and you still do these things to me. Why? I want to know what I did. Some days I can't eat. Some days I lay in bed drowning in self hatred and bad memories. I had an episode in class yesterday. I thought of you and got phantom pains and started spasming and keeled over it hurt so much. Why did you do that? Despite all efforts not to- LOVE, Leah.