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Parent: The Colorless Short Story Anthology: Vol.3: Download and Feedback Thread

  1. #723822014-04-01 21:42:16 *Ecstasy said:

    Alright, took my time with reading, now to the feedback. Overall good stories, sci-fi definitely was a good pick and I enjoyed creating my own setting a lot (in fact, I got so carried away with it I could write a book) as well as reading other participants' creations.

    Spoilers ahead.

    @hellstorm901 - "The Final Holdouts"
    The setting was described well (even though to be honest I did lose myself in it a couple of times) and I did smile at the part where the protagonist didn't even know the military sign signals. Quite a lot of action with a good pace and I actually somehow liked the engineer and the machinegun guy without you giving them any special attention. Also, even though briefly, you did bring up a topic of death on the war, I think it could bring more depth to the story if you elaborated on it, especially considering how many of the characters die.

    @--Jack-- - "More Machine"
    A very developed setting which I really enjoyed. Augmentation is something I was always interested in and it can raise some deep moral questions (like are we really allowed to modify our bodies and so on), Julian is kind of a decisive character too, which is one of my favorite character types. Space pirates and mercenaries is also a cool concept, so I enjoyed reading the story. Also you went a bit into the mercenaries being expendable topic which is actually an interesting thought to write about. So good job here. I kinda disagree with people who say that Julian is a controversial character, he doesn't ask questions, but just keeps himself aware of the surroundings. The only thing is that you don't go in-depth with all the possible deep questions which you could raise. You mostly just describe the events and it is still enjoyable to read but as someone who really liked the setting I wanted to read more about moral side of the setting if that makes sense to you. It might not be my favorite story in this anthology, but this setting is definitely my favorite.

    @johan_5179 - "Nearsighted"

    ‘Dammit I’m mad sides reversed is Dammit I’m mad’ sides reversed is ‘Dammit I’m mad sides reversed is Dammit I’m mad’

    Well done, johan. The concept of a free mind is probably not the easiest thing to write about and I like madness themes, so it was really enjoyable to read. The parts written in the first person impressed me the most. I think this is my favorite story in the anthology, it puts the reader into a certain environment but still gives enough space for the imagination. Also, though Rinneko got confused by it, the transfer from the detectives to the main character (as much as you can call him that) was rather clear for me because you switched from the first person to the third person types of storytelling. But it did leave me wondering about the way he ended up like this, with the woman and his tongue cut off.

    @Kirn - "Following Procedure"
    As always I enjoyed your simple writing style. The story wasn't anything special but it still got me from the very start. I especially liked how you described Kurt's routine and his crew. And I don't know if Victoria name was used for a reason, but it did drew my attention to her. The atmosphere is set nicely, enjoyable read overall.

    @Rinneko - "Transposition"
    I liked the idea of telepathy and the possibility to switch bodies. And Cael's choice is something you can think about. Like if you were asked the same question what would your reply be. I also liked the descriptiveness of your writing style. You could probably develop this trait even more and be one of those authors who can manipulate the reader through descriptions of some small details, but same as Kirn, it was a bit difficult for me to get into because I'm not a native speaker. Also I know my post is TL;DR but I answered to your feedback on my story in the very end of it.

    @Ucui - "Artificial Heart"
    This was touching. I almost shed a tear which means that the story was written well. Also I liked how you told their life story in one newspaper paragraph. It was also much more centered around romance which noone else allowed themselves to do. So it stands out and it did give out a unique atmospheric feeling. Otto is a great character, I really liked him. Without openly mentioning it you made me wonder how his brain system works and how he feels about him being able to outlive his masters. Some details, like glass hearts and paper hearts and the oath, were nice as well.

    @UmiYuki - "Fruit of Knowledge"
    Some of the emotions were described well. But horror would probably fit your style more. I mean the story has some rather shady setting and a couple of scenes are a rather horrific experience for the main character. But then again you did a good job at writing your story right before the deadline, most of other participants had much more time to think their stories through.


    @Kuroba_Loki thanks a lot for criticism. the thing with Posterium was that it influenced the life of the main characters a lot and they both had the metal inside them. as well as the whole world was changed because of the human greed for it, so I chose to call the story that way. but yeah, I agree I could make a better description of its properties. the mystery behind it wasn't really that much intentional, I just wasn't sure how to describe it from the technical point of view. so I came up with a short description that it can be programmed. but then again I didn't elaborate even on that. so now when I think about it, I could throw in a couple more paragraphs about it. Also I agree with the lack of people. I could just say that the ship was crowded with people and stuff and I could also describe Alex and Liza's personalities through their interactions with Max. Especially Liza. I had too many thoughts about the setting and there were characters which I threw out of the story to limit myself somehow, so I ended up too focused on the protagonists I think, trying to tell their stories and motivation. But I'm glad you still was able to enjoy it, so thanks a lot for the feedback.

    @Rinneko I guess with Maxim I was trying to go for a less emotion based descriptions to make him look more closed until the end. Since this is what he was trying to be, thinking that he isn't really a human and I was trying to kinda give him a bit of an antagonist feeling to show his softer side later. He was initially more of a main character than Damian, but Damian was easier to describe afterall, so I just went with the flow there. Also space-relieved metal isn't that new of an idea. Superman did it too xD

  2. #723852014-04-01 21:58:42Kirn said:

    @Ecstasy that name wasn't used with any particular reason. Well, I am not really good with making up names for characters, so sometimes I tend to use some names more often than others just because I don't want to make up new ones. Funny fact - Victor/Victoria would be one of my first three picks if I would want to make a character with good-sounding name ))

  3. #723892014-04-01 22:31:31Rinneko said:

    @Ecstasy - I see what you mean. It would've been lovely to look seeper in to the softer side of Maxim. Great job though. :) Additionally, thanks for your feedback!

    @Kirn - You could always use the random name generator, like me.