"I used to have a life before The Colorless"

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  1. I'd like your comments/feedback

    http://www.Marrionette12.DeviantArt.com
    #30527 • 2012-06-21 10:00:57 * • TWDeath said:

    If you'd like can you give me feedback.

    The Girl who traveled the Road to Darkness:

    One day, a girl was born, and grew up to be a beautiful & respected woman.When she turned 20 she went to set out on a journey. Over the years on her journey, she had a breakdown of screams and tears. The cause was of how humans acted around her. Killings, death, wars, greed, hate, and pain: All the causes of her grief. This caused her to go insane, so to get rid of the stress, she tried many things: Music And Arts, candy, and even the happiness from her freinds, all the things she loved, but none of it worked. But later, while time still flowed, she started to used her own body. First, she tried cutting her hair, it wasnt much but it relieved her alittle. As a result she thought "If i keep cutting parts of my body, will this pain and greif i have, let up?". After she thought this she tried cutting her arm, and it relieved her alittle too, every time she cut it little by little. When she finished an arm, she lastly tried a leg, but this time it was weird. Nothing felt different. Anything else she cutted didnt get rid of some of her grief. Eventually she fell into more despair... and then eventually... died. But she left this message in replace of her to her family, "Did you know? My time has ran out?

  6. #30539 • 2012-06-21 10:53:39 • Gargron said:

    Maureen Delington grew up to be a beautiful woman. To learn more about the world, she decided to go on a journey. The things she learned made her fade. How humans acted around her, murder, death, war, greed, hate, and pain, it caused her grief. Slowly, she went insane. To get rid of the stress, she tried many things: Music, art, delicious food; she tried observing the happiness of her friends; but none of it helped.

    One time, when she was cutting her hair, it relieved her a little. She thought that maybe she could relieve more of the stress by cutting off more hair. She cut it all. But it wasn't enough. She tried cutting her arm, and it relieved her a little too, so from now on she cut it bit by bit, and the pain was soothing her soul. Once her arm was off, she started to cut her leg. But this time wasn't the same. No matter which parts of her distorted body she tried, nothing let her get rid of her grief anymore.

    She died from despair and blood loss. One tiny piece of paper was all she left to the living: "Did you know that my time has ran out?"

    I don't know what I did there, I improved it as much as I could but eh, dunno.

  8. #30555 • 2012-06-21 13:22:10 * • DeathByBiscuit said:

    I honestly don't know what this is supposed to be. What are you trying to show us, are you trying to teach us something?

    So she was sad, she cut herself, then mutilated herself and died...

    This was probably an attempt at being dark and trying to make some sort of social commentary but I'm just not feeling anything from this. It just seem like a short story without a point.

    You don't seem to know how to write in this dark style so my advice is for you is to try and write something a little brighter, something that is more than an excuse to put dismemberment on a story.

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