LET'S MAKE SOME FUCKING PASTA

TODAY, I AM GOING TO TEACH YOU HOW TO MAKE SOME GODDAMNED PASTA. YOU KNOW, THEM NOODLE THINGS THAT YOU SLURP INTO YOUR MOUTH, MADE BY THAT GREASY, HAIRY, FAT GUY WITH THE FUNNY ACCENT AND A TASTE FOR OPERA MUSIC. NOT THAT JAP SHIT.

1. GET YOURSELF SOME GODDAMNED INGREDIENTS. YOU'LL NEED:
   • PASTA, LIKE SPAGHETTI AND SHIT
   • SAUCE, LIKE SOME VODKA, ALFREDO OR MARINARA.
   • SALT
   • WATER
   • WINE, RED IS BETTER THAN WHITE, HAVE AN AERATOR HANDY

2. TOSS SOME SALT INTO A POT, PLACE THE FUCKER ON YOUR STOVE, POUR THE WATER IN, AND LET THE BITCH BOIL.

   WHY DID WE SALT THE WATER? SALT RAISES THE BOILING POINT OF WATER, COOKING YOUR PASTA FASTER AND NOT ALLOWING YOUR PASTA TO BE SOGGY ON THE OUTSIDE.

3. WHEN IT IS BOILING, POUR IN SOME OLIVE OIL AND TOSS IN YOUR PASTA. LET THAT SHIT BOIL FOR A WHILE, STIRRING EVERY COUPLE SECONDS. THE OLIVE OIL KEEPS YOUR PASTA FROM STICKING TO EACHOTHER. WE DON'T NEED NO CLINGY PASTA. WE GOT GIRLFRIENDS FOR THAT. WHILE THAT IS COOKING, HEAT UP YOUR GODDAMNED SAUCE.

4. WHEN THAT SHIT SEEMS DONE, MUNCH A PIECE. IS IT COOKED, BUT FIRM? THAT SHIT IS CALLED AL DENTE. THAT'S HOW YOU WANT IT. ANOTHER TEST IS TO TOSS THE SHIT AT THE WALL. IF IT STICKS, YOU PASTA IS READY.

5. STRAIN THAT BITCH, GET MOST ALL OF THE WATER OUT, AND THEN TOSS THE PASTA IN A LITTLE BUTTER.

6. PORTION OUT YOUR PASTA FOR EACH OF YOUR GUESTS, GIVING EXTRA TO THAT HOT BITCH YOU'RE TRYING TO GET WITH.

7. POUR YOUR HEATED SAUCE OVER TOP OF YOUR PASTA.

8. POUR SOME GLASSES OF RED WHINE, MAKE SURE TO USE AN AERATOR FOR BETTER FLAVOR.

9. CHOW THE FUCK DOWN.

THAT IS HOW YOU MAKE PASTA. GO AND MAKE SOME, AND BE ROLLING IN ALL OF THE BITCHES.

BITCHES LOVE PASTA AND WINE AND OTHER ITALIAN SHIT.

HEY! WE ARE MAKING CRAB SALAD, RIGHT NOW. NOT THAT MAMMY-PAMMY SHIT, I MEAN A MAN'S CRAB SALAD. THE KIND TO MAKE YOU CREAM IN YOUR PANTS!

HERE IS WHAT YOU WILL NEED:

16 OUNCES OF CRAB MEAT 1 CUP OF CELERY 1/2 CUP OF HELLMANN'S MAYONNAISE 1 WHOLE TOMATO SALT AND PEPPER TO TASTE

ONCE YOU HAVE ACQUIRED YOUR INGREDIENTS, FOLLOW THESE STEPS

1. CHOP THE TOMATO INTO BITE SIZED BITS.
2. ACQUIRE A LARGE BOWL
3. PUT SAID BOWL ON THE FLOOR
4. DROP ALL THE FUCKING INGREDIENTS IN THE BOWL AND STOMP THE SHIT OUT OF IT UNTIL MIXED

5. LET MIXTURE SIT IN THE FRIDGE FOR A DAY

6. EAT IT OUT LIKE A NASTY-ASS PUSSY

BITCHES LOVE WHITE CREAMY STUFF IN THEIR MOUTHS.

MASHED POTATOES

YOU THINK YOU KNOW MASHED POTATOES, PUNK? YOU AIN'T KNOW SHIT. YOU 'BOUT TO BE SCHOOL IN TATERS, SO GET YO APRON ON AND GRAB SOME MUTHAFUCKIN' INGREDIENTS.

SHIT, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU NEED? GET YOUR BITCH ASS DOWN HERE AND READ THIS LIST:

• WHOLE YUKON POTATOES
• BUTTER
• SALT
• MILK
• REAL DEAL FLAVOR ENHANCERS (CHEESE, GARLIC, SOUR CREAM, BACON, PEPPER, MORE BUTTER)
• WIMPY LOSER THINGS (CHIVES)

GOT THAT SHIT? DAMN SKIPPY

1. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT KNIFE? YOU ABOUT TO PEEL THAT THING? YOU THINK YOU KNOW BETTER, DON'T NEED TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS? WELL GUESS WHAT, WE DON'T FLY THAT WAY AROUND HERE. SKIN ON OR ELSE, JUST TOSS THEM INTO SOME BOILING WATER

2. DON'T LOOK AT ME, SET THAT TIMER. HEY, PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW LONG TO SET IT. EYES ON ME. 15 MINUTES AND THOSE POTATOES WILL BE SOFT AND WIMPY LIKE YOU AND YOUR COOKING.

3. 15 MINUTES ARE UP, THROW THOSE POTATOES IN A BIG OL' BOWL. ADD IN SOME BUTTER, FUCK TONS OF IT. BUT DON'T USE A FUCK TON, UNLESS YOU WANT POTATO SOUP. USE A POTATO MASHER TO CRUSH THEIR HOPES AND DREAMS UNTIL YOU ARE LEFT WITH A SMOOTH SURFACE OF SORROW AND PAIN. THROW MILK ON IT THAT SHIT TOO, IF YOU DIDN'T DROWN IT WITH BUTTER.

4. GREAT JOB MAN, YOU'VE SUCCESSFU- JUST KIDDING. YOU THINK YOU'RE DONE, HUH? TOO BAD, WE GOT SHIT TO DO STILL. TAKE THOSE BASTARD POTATOS AND STIR THEM AROUND, CHECK FOR CONSISTENCY. YOUR TATERS SHOULD BE THICK ENOUGH TO LIFT WITH A FORK WITHOUT DRIPPING THROUGH THE MIDDLE. ADD TOO MUCH MILK OR BUTTER? BETTER START BOILING MORE POTATOES. SO WHAT IF I DIDN'T ADD RATIOS. MATH IS FOR LOSERS WITH NO COOKING SPIIRT.

5. THROW DELICIOUS THINGS INTO THE MIX, THROW THAT MOTHER FUCKER ON A PLATE. YOU HAVE GUESTS? THEY HAVE HANDS, THEY CAN GET THEIR OWN FUCKING POTATOES. UNLESS YOUR FRIENDS DON'T HAVE HANDS, THEN HELP THEM OUT.

TIME TO MAKE CEREAL!!

1. TAKE A BOWL
2. GET A JUG OF MILK
3. GET A BOX OF CEREAL (ANY KIND)
4. POOR CEREAL INTO BOWL
5. POR MILK INTO BOWL

6. EAT IT!!!!

ADDING A PACKET OR TEASPOON OF SUGAR IS ALSO CUSTOMARY WHEN THE CEREAL IS BLAND LIKE CORN FLAKES.

ALPHABET SOUP

1. BUY INSTANT ALPHABET SOUP. OR MAKE IT HARD FOR YOURSELF AND BUY HERBS, LENTILS, PASTA ETC. ALL SEPARATELY LIKE A DUMB.

2. HEAT A POT OF WATER TO BOILING TEMPERATURE

3. FUCK THE ALPHABET SOUP INTO THE POT. OR IF YOU'VE MADE IT HARD FOR YOURSELF, FUKKEN BOIL THE SHIT.

4. LOWER HEAT AND STIR FOR ~15 MINUTES. OR IF YOU'RE A DICKWAD, ADD THE PASTA AND LET IT COOK FOR THE 15 MINUTES.

5. LET COOL FOR IDGAF. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR PASTA, BITCH.

5.5. OBSERVE THAT THIS MEAL WILL ACTUALLY BE IN CAPS.

6. EAT.

FRENCH TOAST

MORNING BITCHES, TODAY I'M GOING TO TEACH YOU HOW TO MAKE SOME FUCKING REAL BREAKFAST FOOD.

YOU'LL NEED THE FOLLOWING INGREDIENTS

1) ONE EGG FOR EVERY TWO SLICES OF BREAD THAT YOU'RE GONNA' USE

2) TWO TABLESPOONS OF MILK PER EGG

3) BUTTER

4) CINNAMON

5) VANILLA EXTRACT

6) POWDERED SUGAR

7) MAPLE SYRUP

8) BACON BECAUSE BACON GOES GOOD ON THE DAMN SIDE

OKAY HERE'S WHAT YOU EFFING NEED TO DO FIRST, CRACK THE DAMN EGGS TO THE BOWL AND ADD A DASH OF VANILLA EXTRACT, CINNAMON, AND MILK. WHISK THAT SHIT UP TOGETHER. SET THAT ASIDE AND TAKE OUT YOUR FRYING PAN OR WHATEVER FLAT PAN SHIT YOU HAVE. TURN ON THE STOVE AND HEAT THAT SHIT UP THEN GREASE THAT SHIT UP WITH BUTTER. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOUR PAN IS HOT ENOUGH? HOVER YOUR HAND OVER THE PAN LIKE YOU'RE GOD AND IF YOU CAN FEEL THE HEAT THEN IT'S TIME TO GET FRENCHIN' BITCH.

DIP THE BREAD INTO THE BATTER, COAT BOTH SIDES EVENLY. I PERSONALLY LIKE TO CUT MY BREAD UP INTO UGUU KAWAII CHUNKS. PLACE YOUR BREAD INTO THE PAN AND COOK EACH SIDE UNTIL IT'S GOLDEN BROWN LIKE A BAWS WHEN DONE PUT ON PLATE AND ADD POWDERED SUGAR, BITCHES LOVE POWDERED SUGAR. IF YOU'RE FEELING LIKE YOU NEED MORE CINNAMON ADD THAT SHIT AS WELL. THEN MAKE SOME FANCY PATTERN ONT THAT FRENCH TOAST WITH THE SYRUP

FRY UP SOME DAMN BACON AFTERWARDS, THE MORE THE BETTER

HAPPY COOKING MUTHAFAWKERS

FRUIT SALAD

TIME TO EAT SOMETHING HEALTHY, FATTY!
YOU KNOW WHAT FRUITS ARE?
EVER TRIED EATING MORE THAN ONE APPLE PER MONTH?
OF COURSE NOT, WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT, RIGHT?
IT'S FUCKING DELICIOUS, THAT'S WHY!

SO GO GET SOME FRUITS, WHICHEVER YOU WANT, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. WHAT, YOU NEED AN EXAMPLE FIRST?

APPLES, PEARS, ORANGES, BANANAS, KIWIFRUITS AND ANY OTHER FRUIT SHOULD DO THE JOB!

YOU CHOP THOSE LITTLE FUCKERS INTO SMALL PIECES AND THROW THEM INTO A BIG BOWL! WHY NOT A SMALL ONE? BECAUSE YOU NEED THAT MASSIVE DOSE OF VITAMINS!
AND SINCE I KNOW THAT YOU HATE EATING HEALTHY THINGS I TELL YOU SOMETHING:

YOU CAN EAT THAT SHIT WITH ICE CREAM, LIQUEUR AND A DOLLOP OF CREAM (A SMALL ONE BECAUSE IT'S YOU).

NOW MOVE YOUR FAT ASS TO THE KITCHEN OR ASK YOUR IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND TO DO WHAT I JUST TOLD YOU.

AND BETTER APPRECIATE THAT BOWL OF PURE AWESOMENESS!

I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING. WHAT? THIS THREAD IS WONDERFUL ;____; NOW TO CONTRIBUTE:

HOW TO MAKE SOME HONEY NUTELLA GOODNESS

YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, YOU FATSO, YOU'RE ABOUT TO GAIN A COUPLE MORE POUNDS HERE. SUCK IT UP.

YOU'LL NEED THESE FROM YOUR EMPTY, MOLDY FRIDGE: NUTELLA (YOU KNOW THAT CHOCOLATE SHIT YOU SEE PEOPLE RAVING ABOUT ON TUMBLR YEAH THAT), BREAD (WHITE OR WHEAT. CHOOSE WHEAT AND SAVE YOURSELF A SOBBING BECAUSE THERE'S NO GAP BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS), AND HONEY

YOU'LL NEED 2 SLICES OF BREAD. IF YOU CAN ONLY AFFORD ONE, TOO FUCKING BAD, POORFAG.

TAKE ONE PIECE OF BREAD AND SEE THAT SHIT-COLORED SUBSTANCE CALLED NUTELLA? SMEAR THAT FUCKER ALL UP ON THAT FUCKING BREAD

NOW DO THE SAME TO THAT PISS-COLORED, THICKER SUBSTANCE, EXCEPT ON THE OTHER PIECE OF BREAD.

THINK YOU CAN MANAGE THAT, FUCKASS?

NOW HERE'S THE TRICKY PART. I DOUBT YOUR DUMB ASS WILL GET IT. JOIN THE TWO PIECES OF BREAD

NOW EAT THAT SHIT

@Maryam I'M GONNA TRY THAT!
I'LL JUST HAVE TO STEAL A SECOND SLICE OF BREAD SOMEWHERE

@Paratoxical GOOD. TELL ME HOW IT GOES BECAUSE I HAVEN'T EVEN TRIED IT. THAT FUCKING SECOND SLICE IS ONE RARE POKEMON.

@Maryam HOLY SHIT IT TASTED SO SWEET I ALMOST HAD A FUCKING HEART ATTACK.
TOTALLY WORTH IT!

I SHOULD PUT A WARNING ON MY POST. CAUTION: MIGHT CAUSE HEART FAILURE. I JUST GOT NUTELLA SO I'LL BE DOING IT TOO. HOPEFULLY MY PACEMAKER IS UP TO BAR.

GIRLE I TELL YA I GO TO A DINNER PARTY ARMED WITH MY MOTHERFUCKING CURRY BECAUSE I KNOW-

DAT CAN'T NOBODY ELSE DO CURRY FOR JACK MOTHERFUCKING SHIT

LISTEN UP MADARCHODZ

LEMME EDUCATE Y'ALL A BASIC COOKIN LESSON IN MAKIN NOT THE CURRY YOU FIND IN THE TOILET BOWL OR THE GODDAMN COMMUNITY POOL BUT THE CURRY THAT WILL ALTER THE COURSE OF YOUR FATE FROM WIMPASS HERMIT TO INSTANT HARDCORE BOLLYWOOD MATERIAL WITH A DICK LIKE A CAN O' REDBULL

--

THIS IS YOUR ARSENAL, IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY OF THESE MOTHERFUCKING ITEMS I SUGGEST YOU STOP PITYING YOUR SORRY ASS AND GETTIN TO IT.

• SEXY SKINLESS CHICKEN THIGHS
• GINGER N GARLIC IN WHATEVER WAY YOU WANT THEM
• TUMERIC
• PEPPERFLAKES
• PEPPERCORN
• DR. PEPPER
• CURRY POWDER-YOU CAN BARTER THIS SHIT AT THE NEAREST FUCKING WALLY MART
• TOFU CUBES
• POTATO CUBES
• CARROT CUBES
• CURRY CUBES IF YOUR OCD IS STARTING TO KICK IN
• WATER (U DOING)

--

GOOOOOOOOD JOB NIMWIT, NOW FOLLA THIS SHIT BELOW

1. OPEN FIRE (PLEASE DO NOT MISINTERPRET)

2. WAIT TILL THE WATER IN THE POT YOU SO CONVENIENTLY FOUND ON THE OPEN FIRE IS BOILING

3. ADD THE CHICKEN THAT YOU ALSO SO CONVENIENTLY REMEMBERED TO FRY

4. DROPKICK THE POTATO INTO THE POT AND WAIT FOR 10 MINUTES WHILE READING A GODDAMN CLASSIC

5. ADD GINGER, GARLIC, AND THE CARROT AND TOFU CUBES

6. DRINK THAT DR. PEPPER SINCE YOU'RE SO FUCKING PARCHED

7. ADD THE SPICES AND THE CURRY CUBES

8. STIR GINGERLY AS IF YOU ARE COMBING THE HAIR ON YOUR BALLS AFTER A GOOD SUNBURN.

HOW TRAUMATIC.

9. ENJOY THE CURRY WITHOUT SHITTING A NIGGA AND SIGN THE BOLLYWOOD CONTRACTOS

--

SO FFFFFFFFFFING DELICIOUS YOUR MOUTH CAN'T STOP CUMMING TO THE FOOD COMA FIESTA IN YOUR STOMACH OH LAAAAAAAAAWD

MR.TINGLES' BADASS MAGICAL SPICY GRILLED CHICKEN

YOU'LL NEED:

SOME CHICKEN BREASTS

CARIBBEAN JERK DRY RUB

ADOBO SEASONING

A GRILL OR SOME SHIT

METAL MEAT THERMOMETER FOR IMPALING YOUR VICTIM

ITALIAN HERBS FOR THAT BADASS KICK

MOTHERFUCKING CILANTRO SO THAT SKWISGAR SKWIGELF WON'T STEAL YOUR SHIT

GET SOME CHICKEN BREASTS AND RIP THE BONES OUT. CLEANSE THE IMPURE FOWL'S MEAT BY RINSING IT WITH BRISK WATER AND STINGING LEMON JUICE. DO IT NOW, DUMBASS! DRAIN THAT EXCESS NASTY SHIT. MEANWHILE, BEGIN HEATING YOUR GRILL OR DRAGON OR WHATEVER.

GRAB A BOWL AND CHUCK THE FLESH OF THE FOWL IN IT. RAIN DOWN YOUR MIGHTY SEASONINGS UPON IT.RUB THAT MAGICAL DUST IN LIKE YOU'RE COATING IT IN GOLD POWDER.

THROW THE MEAT ON THE GRILL AND SET IT TO HELLFIRE TEMPERATURE AND COOK IT FOR ONE EPISODE OF ADVENTURE TIME. MIDWAY THROUGH THE COOKING TIME, CUT THAT MOTHAFUCKA IN TWO LIKE PAUL BUNYAN, YOU WUSS.

WHEN IT'S NOT PINK AND GIRLY LOOKING, TAKE IT OUT AND IMPALE IT WITH THE MEAT THERMOMETER, AND PRAY TO HADES THAT IT'S 165 DEGREES INSIDE OR YOU'LL BE ON THE GRILL NEXT.

WHEN YOU'RE DONE, OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND DEVOUR THAT MAGICAL STUFF. SKIP THE WATER, YOU'RE NOT A PUSSY ANYMORE. ENJOY THAT SPICY STUFF LIKE A REAL BAMF.

Regards, Tingles.