@SchneizelWP
It's about 3 am on my side, pure luck that I come across this thread. (also, I apologize if I sound ramblish - can't sleep, but not tired, wat?)
Schneizel.
As much as I commend you for your strong emotion, I have to warn you that you are going to make a fubar of a mistake if you choose to go down that path. And please listen, because when it came to matters of the heart, I used to sound exactly like you.
I'll sum this up into the following sections:
1. Why you're not ready.
2. You need to love yourself before you can love another.
3. My Story.
- Why you're not ready.
I know that you are NOT READY for any kind of relationship, because you haven't worked on developing yourself. As you say you're "...one of those people who are very confused of what to do with their life." You need to work on finding and strengthening yourself; you need to find out the reason to love yourself - what is it that gives your life value? What is it that you live for? Finding these questions out will in turn develop your values. Values and purpose are important, because when the entire world turns to shit, you will use them keep you alive. You must work on letting yourself grow, whether that be through finishing college, learning the right skills to propel your craft, or even taking time to sit down and really discover who you are.
Your girlfriend can leave you. Your house and money can be taken away. Your family can die. But the one thing that you have the power over is YOU, and the purpose and beliefs that accompany you. This strength is necessary for everything, but we'll focus on relationships.
I can tell you from experience that making another person the purpose of your life will not only ruin your life, but it will ruin your partner's as well. What happens if she's sick? Can you be strong enough to be a source of happiness, or will you wallow in tears, wasting every second lamenting on the fact that she might die? What happens if she's mad at you? Will you be the understanding partner listening to the situation and coming up with the right answer, or will you lose your cool and blow your temper in her face? Or worse, become a doormat who solves no problems at all.
What happens when she does not love you anymore?
Will you be strong enough to be able to learn from your mistakes and move on with your head held high,
Or will you kill yourself because you made her the only reason to live?
And as a relationship is a two way street, your partner definitely has to like you the same way you like her for a relationship to happen. One way is a no-go, unrequited is a no-go.
You've never met this idol.
What if she hates the person that you are?
How are you gonna deal with that?
She's never even heard of you, let alone took the time to sit down and talk to you. Chances are, she's got no feelings for you.
You cannot change a person's mind once it's set, and you sure as hell can't force them to change their feelings. It's all within their control, not yours.
- You need to love yourself before you can love another.
As a rehash from the first paragraph, find your purpose, know your value, the reasons to love yourself, and grow from there. Confidence later follows suit (And as far as I know, that's a universal plus ;D). If you're a funny guy, celebrate your humor. Intelligent? Damn, get cerebral and let your mind wander. Do you love to help people? Go on and volunteer. Do not be afraid to be the person you are.
Eventually you will reach that point where you live your life so full of your purpose, and so unafraid to show your true personality that people who are attracted to your type will come. You will start to do things that you know you like, and you'll meet people based on that shared interest.
What you want to do is focus on becoming the best of who you can believe to be. Not a second-rate imitation of what others want you to be.
- My Story
So you want to know what happens when a person becomes your purpose?
(I gotta be vague on some details for personal reasons, and this is kinda the tl;dr version.)
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I used to be in what I thought was the best relationship ever, with the person whom I thought to be the epitome of perfection. The first 2 years were amazing.
Until one day, my partner got sick. For the longest, doctors hadn't had a clue what was going on. And all I could do was see her suffer. It wasn't until later on that they discovered that her lungs got torn up by [redacted], which was incubating for months.
I caught it too.
Thankfully, it was at an early stage, so treatment was not that intense.
The Dept. of Health called for a screening at our school, and she was put in quarantine. By that time, our relationship deteriorated. Both of us were guilty of letting it die.
During her year in quarantine, she told me she wanted to have a break. So I agreed, naively believing that things would be the same when she returned. In that time, I was a wreck. A sad sack o' shit of an excuse of a human. An opportunity came my way where I was chosen to take a semester in D.C., working as a page for our Congressman. I would be in the presence of the law-making process that stretches over the lives of millions of people. Additionally, you practically had a hand-pick to any college when you finished.
I was so caught up with not seeing her, I refused the offer, and passed it along to the next student in line.
I waited for her to come back.
She did.
And acted like we never happened.
In that time when she was under quarantine, she moved on from me. I had to split from everyone I knew, mostly because they were her friends first. And in that same time where I refused to study in D.C., she'd accepted a trip to the East for a college scouting program.
I don't hate her, and I don't blame her. The situation became so fubar'd that it was necessary to look out for yourself.
In that time, where I was at my most low (a lot of shit I'm leaving out, involving police, suspensions, mandates to see doctors, etc), I knew I had to patch myself up. I took well to Biology, and I discovered that I had a pretty awesome knack for medicine [ended up getting a 5/5 on AP Bio, 760/800 on the Molecular Bio SAT, wooticles!]. Later on, I found out that I loved to help people, and that I'm happiest when I am capable of helping. It was connecting biology my love of helping that I discovered my purpose. I knew that if I let anything destroy me, if I let myself go, I would be doing a disservice to the 1000's of others I can potentially save in the future.
I found a reason to love myself.
Things have become much better now. Since then, I've been through a lot a shit, but I've found so much strength in my purpose that people call on me to fix things when shit hits the fan. I've been through more heartbreak after that relationship, but they don't phase me as bad anymore. I learned how to be able to handle moving on (It's not painless, for sure DX). I'm attending a great college (studying Human Biology in the Pre-Med program), and I just got NREMT-certified last week as an Emergency Medical Responder.
Haha, and it's been about 5-6 years since we spoke, but I know she's doing well in the east from friends who mention her.
Long story short:
Focus on living your life, discover your purpose, and become the best person that you can ever imagine yourself to be.
And I promise, you'll find someone who'll love you for who you exactly are.
